I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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