were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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