i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
