hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
