im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
