We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
