Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
