my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
