I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
