Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
