I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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