Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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