we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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