Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
