I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
