I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
