Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
