I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
