there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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