Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
