Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
