In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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