how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
