I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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