We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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