i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
