I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
