It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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