I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
