saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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