allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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