No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
