apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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