I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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