if i can run in heels then i can drive
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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