I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
