you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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