you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
