Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
