If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Drake has all the answers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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