a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
