You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
