coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
