I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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