i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
