Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
