During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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