I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
