im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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