Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
