I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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