I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
