The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
