We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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