i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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