I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
