SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
