I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
