I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
