I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
